Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse: Tina Laws On 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold

When people first get married, they are usually deeply in love and extremely excited to be together. But sometimes, over time, that passion and excitement begins to fade. This has been particularly true after the pandemic, when many marriages went through great upheavals. What can a couple do to rekindle the love and excitement that they used to have when they were first together? In this interview series, called “Falling In Love Again With Your Spouse; 5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold,” we are talking to relationship professionals, therapists, psychologists, and coaches to share stories and insights from their experience. As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing relationship expert and mediator, Tina Laws.

Tina Laws is an experienced relationship and intimacy consultant and mediator, specializing in the working environment whose mission is to help people develop healthier and successful relationships, ultimately, getting the best relationships of their lives. She specializes in helping ambitious women, men and couples balance love and career without losing their marriage.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to ‘get to know you’. Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

Ata very young age, I had the pleasure of having aggressive neighbors. It was the daily slamming of doors, unwarranted body blows, and the constant calling of names before and after work. What was most amusing was when in public, they presented as though they were the most loving couple.

At the age of 16, I found myself in an abusive relationship with an individual who, when behind closed doors, believed using his hands and awful words would scare me into thinking on his terms. Again, when in public it appeared to be a doting partner.

Later in my professional career as a criminal justice professional, I was privileged to work with both male and female offenders in the prisons, and probation. It was during this opportunity, the shift in my career happened. I gained a wealth of knowledge about why unhealthy relationships exist, how to manage challenges and successfully resolve conflict. Most importantly, I mastered how to interact with the human population during high-risk situations.

During the pandemic, I accepted my dream role as executive director for an organization. I worked 12-hour shifts, suffered with insomnia, was eating on the run, poor diet and exercise, and most importantly, almost faced divorce. I had become the wife who put her career first, and marriage on the back burner. Date night went by the wayside, intimacy was falling asleep next to my husband mid conversation about work, and I hadn’t a clue of his personal or professional experiences. I couldn’t remember the last time we had a conversation about us. I was emotionally detached from my husband. Everything was work. One early morning while completing a work project I remember looking over at him as he slept, and thought to myself, you are annoying me, you are adding the pressure that I feel right now and in that moment, I knew my marriage was in trouble and I had to make a decision. I decided to resign and work on restoring my once happy and fulfilling marriage.

I immediately put my bachelor’s degree in psychology, certifications in relationship and intimacy coaching and mediation to use. Today, I successfully help ambitious women, men and couples balance career and love at the same time without getting a divorce

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

During a VIP Weekend experience with a couple, I was asked to monitor their level of intimacy. Initially I said, “Oh course, it’s all a part of the process!” Only to realize that they wanted me to watch them as they participated in their physical bedroom activity. While I am no stranger to how couples generally interact during intercourse, It was more important that they understood the meaning of intimacy and how they should connect through intimacy daily. Thankfully, I got them so intrigued with how they can include various levels of intimacy in their marriage, they decided to focus on that area of interaction, rather, the actual physical intercourse. After all, sexual intercourse wasn’t the caveat saving their marriage.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

I will never forget this day for as long as I live. I received an invite to attend and share my relationship wisdom in support of a hen night. As you can imagine, I started my presentation as though I was presented at a TED talk — except it’s not a TED talk; it’s more like “How Not to Divorce” As I passionately shared why marriage was sacred and how to remain connected, I noticed some of the guests had perplexed expressions. As I continued, I chose the red flag to divorce topic, hoping to enlighten them about the danger zones in marriage. As I was about to end the conversation, a guest burst into laughter and said, “I am now certain that we all made the right decision when we chose to divorce. DIVORCE!!! I froze. Would you believe that I was given the incorrect information and that I was actually at a reunion party for divorcees. In closing, I ended showing the hostess — the most recent divorcee, the email for hire and we all laughed till our bellies hurt. Before leaving, I was actually hired for their next party, to help them to choose better partners next time.

You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?

Adaptability: I often pride myself on having the courage to shift in career during a time when most were more concerned with financial and job stability. Like the time I walked away from a government role as a criminal justice major to become the first entrepreneur in my immediate family. As well as walking away from my role as executive director at the age of 50 to save my and other people’s marriage.

Decisiveness: After years of working with the offending population, and managing high risk situations, I’ve learned how to make informed decisions promptly for the wellbeing of other people.

Integrity: I have gained the reputation of having the ability to be direct and honest without offending clients. Leading by example has always been the bridge to building trust in others; and the ability to be brutally honest while balancing compassion is what helps build my clientele.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

Yes, in 2025, the aim is to get into as many homes around the world as possible, and turn the most difficult circumstances around.
Saving marriages is not for the faint. One must be confident enough to tell/show a couple where they’re going wrong, and empathic and compassionate enough to help get them to turn their marriage around.

For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority about the topic of marriage?

I have been married for almost 25 years; and at our lowest, we pulled ourselves out of the pit of divorce. I have a %97 rate of success in saving marriages and successfully mediating the 3% of couples who were actually better off divorced. I am a household name — literally. I go into the homes and turn the marriage around. For some couples, after the very first session. I help couples to balance love and career at the same time!

Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How to Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of marriages “going cold”?

Unresolved Conflict: Ongoing arguments and challenges that aren’t address create resentment over time

Neglecting the Relationship: Prioritizing other responsibilities, such as climbing the career ladder, raising children, fulfilling education and deep diving into personal goals and aspirations

Communication Breakdown: Lack of open and honest conversation, active listening and compassion lead to unnecessary misunderstandings and years of unresolved issues

Life Stressors and Responsibilities: Health issues, financial challenges, religious beliefs, and family influences

Lack of Intimacy: In the absence of physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy couples find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the lack of connection

In my experience with helping others in relationship difficulty, I most often hear “lack of communication” as the reason for the difficulty or wanting to end the relationship. I believe that lack of communication is really a symptom of the real root cause, which is “loss of connection.” What must be done to regain that connection? Based on your experience, what is the foundation for a successful marriage?

Trust, open and honest communication and the ability to resolve conflict timely and amicably, and lots of laughter.

It has been said that “a healthy, happy marriage is the union of two generous forgivers”. Can you talk about why forgiveness is so important for a relationship to thrive?

Forgiveness is a personal journey. As humans, we often make the mistake of holding others to a higher standard that we do ourselves. The expectation is that when we one causes us to lose trust in them, they should spend the rest of their lives making it up to us. Not only is that unfair but it’s also unrealistic. Part of having a healthy, happy marriage is the freedom to make a mistake without being ridiculed by the one you trust to keep you safe. Choosing to forgive is an opportunity to have an open and honest conversation about what caused the mistrust, the feelings associated with it and the commitment to forgive and move on to the next opportunity for growth. Without forgiveness, the potential for a healthy and happy relationship will be non-existent.

Based on your experience, why do you think couples struggle to forgive and be forgiven?

Most couples choose not to forgive, fear of being further disappointed — a defence mechanism that automatically activates. It’s often the result of previously experiencing repeated disappointments from family, friends or spouse.

Is it important for marriage partners to inspire each other to be the best version of themselves that they can be? Can you please explain what you mean?

The intention is that couples live together until death do them part. This means, through the highs and lows of life. They can choose to live together in a healthy and happy marriage, or spend the rest of their lives tearing each other to shreds. When you inspire each to be the best version of your individual selves, you close the door to competing against each other, mistrust, unforgiveness and overall disharmony. When you truly seek to inspire each other, you set a permanent challenge to always be your very best.

What is the difference between marriage partners being “a team” and not just “a couple”?

There is no “I” in the word team. When couples are a team, they represent a commitment to experiencing life and every aspect of the relationship, together. No matter what. “A couple” can also represent a commitment to spending the relationship together. Until the relationship is no longer working for them .

Ok, here is the main question of our discussion. Can you please share your “5 Things You Need To Rekindle Love In A Marriage That Has Gone Cold?” Can you please give a story or example for each?

Here are the 5 topic strategies used to help rekindle the love or lack thereof in relationships

Contract: We sign contracts for everything else, why not have one for the marriage. It’s always useful to have that mutual agreement to refer to when seeking to stay within the guidelines or agree perimeters for a healthy and happy marriage and relationship.

Conflict: Learn key strategies to effectively manage a disagreement from the outset OR unresolved problems that have caused years of resentment. Conflict is healthy. It’s the festering of unaddressed and unresolved issues that causes the communication breakdown in relationships. Resolving conflict is powerful because once resolved, you learn so much more about each other — that’s growth

Celebration: Make time to enjoy each other and life experiences. It’s very important to celebrate when you have overcome obstacles in the relationship. It also helps to build a stronger bond. You can either get dressed up and go on the town, or stay home and have a candlelit dinner wearing your birthday suit. It’s totally up to you!

Connection: It’s imperative that couples learn how to connect; and should practice levels of intimacy as a daily occurrence. Something as simple as a hug and kiss before leaving for work and returning home. For individuals who haven’t connected for long periods of time, start with something as simple as back or foot rub or playing hooky together, spending the day in bed

Coach: We hire a fitness trainer, financial or business coach and professional support to be successful businessmen or women, but we fail to have a Coach to help them navigate one of the most important relationships of our live. Support is vital.

All relationships should have a coach on speed dial. .

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

With the plethora of interesting podcasts, books and television shows about relationships, one can find personal interest just about anywhere.

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I would love to be invited to work with a few new couples and have them join me at a beautiful resort for my VIP weekend or week-long experience; and have it televised for the world to see the transformation. I would also love to have a weekly radio segment where people get to call in and share, learn and grow

We are very blessed that very prominent leaders read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

Barack and Michelle Obama — as prominent brown leaders, to be the very first couple to grace the Whitehouse, and presidency, I would love to sit with them and learn the strategies used to successfully balance love, career and family without divorcing.

Thank you for these great insights and for the time you spent with this interview. We wish you only continued success!